I was alone in the quiet bathroom, sitting on a toilet with my pants on. Normally people won’t sit on a toilet with pants on, but I was hiding in one of the stalls. The small space filled with heavy sighs. I didn’t want to be here at this school. I wanted to go back to the Japanese school. It was only my third day at this school, and I wanted out. Throughout the morning, before homegroup started, I hid in the bathroom. Why was I here? Why was I feeling so blue? Here is a story…
With only three months of school left, I changed schools from the Japanese school where I was for 4 years, to this school, ISKL. This was my first international school. I came here to learn to speak English. I had been living in Malaysia for a long time, but that didn’t help me increase my level of English. I felt I should be able to speak English because I’m living outside of Japan. However, I was thinking that it would somehow be easier and that I could survive. Unfortunately, at this moment, I am in the biggest suffering of my life so far.
As I sat in the bathroom, I thought about my situation. I could understand what everyone around me was saying (well almost), but I just didn’t know how to answer them. I couldn’t have a real conversation with anyone. The first and second day at ISKL were okay because there was a person with an orange shirt call peer helper who helped me, the new student. She was so kind and helpful. She showed me where my classes were, explained time schedule, and told me that if I had any questions that I could ask her. Sadly, after a few days, she was no longer there for me. Of course she had her friends, but I couldn’t make new friends because of my lack of English. I knew I could make friends, like myself, that weren’t so good at English, but I was afraid what people would think about me. I didn’t want to sit alone at the 6th grade deck before homegroup. I’ve never had the experience of having no friend. I didn’t know how to handle this. So here I was in the bathroom, felt lonely and miserable… I looked at my watch; it was time to go. I caution out off the bathroom, hoping no one would know I was in there for such a long time. I hesitantly ambled to homegroup.
All my classes were hard for me. I couldn’t enjoy them at all. Even the classes that I really liked such as Art, were stressful because of the difficult words that the teachers were using. I just COULDN’T understand, so I just COULDN’T enjoy them. But the biggest reason that I couldn’t enjoy any classes was that I couldn’t make any friends because of my fear of English. In science class, a few girls came and asked me, in girl talk, “Who do you like??”
I thought how should I know. I was here for only a few days and I still didn’t know anyone, but I knew that it was a good chance to make friends, so I tried to reply with humor. All that came out was a murmured “ah, … am…”. They left. Oh, they must have thought that I was so weird. I missed my chance to make friends. They were only 6th graders, and now, as an 8th grader, I know they didn’t do it on purpose or to be mean. Maybe they left because they knew I was uncomfortable and so didn’t know how to handle the situation. Those things happened to me all the time, and made me more scared to speak English. One day, when I was in the hallway, a boy that I don’t know, came up to me with smile, and said, “Why are you so quiet?” I couldn’t say anything.
I’m not quiet, I thought after he left. I’m not. I should’ve said that’s because I can’t speak English well, but I was too shocked. The words that the boy said were echoing around in my head. Everyone thought I was quiet, no one understood my real personality… The feelings I was holding were over frown. That night I jumped into bed and grumbled to my parents crying that I hated school, no one understood me, and I didn’t want to go anymore. They cheered me up, but tomorrow would still come; I had to go to school anyway even if I cried out all the water in my body. I went to school each day bearing the struggle, but I was the one who decided to come here, so I should bear it.
Finally I found the place where I can be who I am. In fact, I was taking that class every day. People in ESL were all like me, but their English was better than mine. They have all experienced a feeling of struggling in English. First I was scared of this ESL too, but they cared for me. They waited me when I stuck to reply, which I felt really happy about that. And OF COURSE they didn’t think that I was quiet! They knew that first when they couldn’t speak English they were like me. I made my first friend in English in there, too.
She was so nice to me, and she tried to help me in my classes. Luckily her schedule was almost the same as mine. “There are three kinds of hot, Ayumi. Weather hot,” she gestured fan with her hand with her tongue out, “temperature hot,” she acted like she touched something and jumped out, “and sexy hot!” The way she gestured was really clear to me. I didn’t know that “hot” meant “sexy” as well. Because of her, I started to like going school. By talking to her, I learned English, and I gained confident; it’s ok to make a mistake. I started talking to others even thought my English was broken. She left ISKL after 6th grade; therefore I spent time with her for only 3 months, but how she was supported me and the fact she was my first friend in English, I still remember her. A message that she wrote “I will miss you” on my uniform shirt at the back of the collar which I still wear it today, even its getting fades, but the memory of the time of my struggle and my first friend in English still remain deeply.
With only three months of school left, I changed schools from the Japanese school where I was for 4 years, to this school, ISKL. This was my first international school. I came here to learn to speak English. I had been living in Malaysia for a long time, but that didn’t help me increase my level of English. I felt I should be able to speak English because I’m living outside of Japan. However, I was thinking that it would somehow be easier and that I could survive. Unfortunately, at this moment, I am in the biggest suffering of my life so far.
As I sat in the bathroom, I thought about my situation. I could understand what everyone around me was saying (well almost), but I just didn’t know how to answer them. I couldn’t have a real conversation with anyone. The first and second day at ISKL were okay because there was a person with an orange shirt call peer helper who helped me, the new student. She was so kind and helpful. She showed me where my classes were, explained time schedule, and told me that if I had any questions that I could ask her. Sadly, after a few days, she was no longer there for me. Of course she had her friends, but I couldn’t make new friends because of my lack of English. I knew I could make friends, like myself, that weren’t so good at English, but I was afraid what people would think about me. I didn’t want to sit alone at the 6th grade deck before homegroup. I’ve never had the experience of having no friend. I didn’t know how to handle this. So here I was in the bathroom, felt lonely and miserable… I looked at my watch; it was time to go. I caution out off the bathroom, hoping no one would know I was in there for such a long time. I hesitantly ambled to homegroup.
All my classes were hard for me. I couldn’t enjoy them at all. Even the classes that I really liked such as Art, were stressful because of the difficult words that the teachers were using. I just COULDN’T understand, so I just COULDN’T enjoy them. But the biggest reason that I couldn’t enjoy any classes was that I couldn’t make any friends because of my fear of English. In science class, a few girls came and asked me, in girl talk, “Who do you like??”
I thought how should I know. I was here for only a few days and I still didn’t know anyone, but I knew that it was a good chance to make friends, so I tried to reply with humor. All that came out was a murmured “ah, … am…”. They left. Oh, they must have thought that I was so weird. I missed my chance to make friends. They were only 6th graders, and now, as an 8th grader, I know they didn’t do it on purpose or to be mean. Maybe they left because they knew I was uncomfortable and so didn’t know how to handle the situation. Those things happened to me all the time, and made me more scared to speak English. One day, when I was in the hallway, a boy that I don’t know, came up to me with smile, and said, “Why are you so quiet?” I couldn’t say anything.
I’m not quiet, I thought after he left. I’m not. I should’ve said that’s because I can’t speak English well, but I was too shocked. The words that the boy said were echoing around in my head. Everyone thought I was quiet, no one understood my real personality… The feelings I was holding were over frown. That night I jumped into bed and grumbled to my parents crying that I hated school, no one understood me, and I didn’t want to go anymore. They cheered me up, but tomorrow would still come; I had to go to school anyway even if I cried out all the water in my body. I went to school each day bearing the struggle, but I was the one who decided to come here, so I should bear it.
Finally I found the place where I can be who I am. In fact, I was taking that class every day. People in ESL were all like me, but their English was better than mine. They have all experienced a feeling of struggling in English. First I was scared of this ESL too, but they cared for me. They waited me when I stuck to reply, which I felt really happy about that. And OF COURSE they didn’t think that I was quiet! They knew that first when they couldn’t speak English they were like me. I made my first friend in English in there, too.
She was so nice to me, and she tried to help me in my classes. Luckily her schedule was almost the same as mine. “There are three kinds of hot, Ayumi. Weather hot,” she gestured fan with her hand with her tongue out, “temperature hot,” she acted like she touched something and jumped out, “and sexy hot!” The way she gestured was really clear to me. I didn’t know that “hot” meant “sexy” as well. Because of her, I started to like going school. By talking to her, I learned English, and I gained confident; it’s ok to make a mistake. I started talking to others even thought my English was broken. She left ISKL after 6th grade; therefore I spent time with her for only 3 months, but how she was supported me and the fact she was my first friend in English, I still remember her. A message that she wrote “I will miss you” on my uniform shirt at the back of the collar which I still wear it today, even its getting fades, but the memory of the time of my struggle and my first friend in English still remain deeply.
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